2007 - Grades in college dropped. Had a roommate who brought her boyfriend over five days out of the week and they`d have sex in my room every night. Missed... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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From the Journal of _Ghoul_ | mood: Depressed

Thirteen years in the making of a loser:

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12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 6:39:58 PM EST (GMT-5)
2007 - Grades in college dropped. Had a roommate who brought her boyfriend over five days out of the week and they'd have sex in my room every night. Missed classes because I couldn't sleep with them in there. Picked up some self destructive behavior.

2008 - negative body image worsened as I continued gaining weight. Realized I might have a dependency on food.

2009 - dropped out of college the first time because I ran out of money. Didn't work for a year and a half. Grandmother diagnosed with uterine cancer and kidney disease.

2010 was a good year. I was still talking to the guy I liked even though I knew it wasn't ever going to get serious. I chose a job at McDonald's and went back to school in the fall.

2011 - I went back to university for a semester. Joined OKCupid. Successful-ish.

2012 - couldn't afford school again, so moved back home. One of my student loans defaulted.

12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 6:58:18 PM EST (GMT-5)
2013 - Reached 190 pounds. Nothing bad or good happened this year.

2014 - Dated a liar in the summer. Got dumped via text a week and a half before I lost my grandmother. Ended my longest friendship of 18 years, then things got ugly with a co-worker who used to be a friend.

2015 - Ballooned up to 200 pounds. Dad quit his job to star a new business.

2016 - Got the job at Wal-Mart. A month later, sketchy guy from 2014 came back and tried to get me to run away with and marry him. Was harassed at work. My dog passed away the same week that a close family member was framed for a crime.

2017 - Dad's business went downhill and my family went completely broke. We knew we needed to do something fast.

2018 - Sister got married. Dad found a decent job. Fell hard for my brother in law's friend. Started dating him late 2018.
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 7:11:38 PM EST (GMT-5)
2019 - Pap diagnosed with esophageal cancer.

Toxic co-worker got fired.

Got dumped a little before my birthday. Despite that we were no longer a couple, we agreed to explore a more casual relationship. He took me out on my birthday but didn't even hug me goodbye. We never spoke again.

Back on OKCupid and still nobody ever messages me.

Sister moved to Virginia Beach in June.

Favorite managers at work either stepped down or got promoted. Work became very stressful.

Pap's treatments were going well despite an infection he caught in July.

In August, I had a meltdown at work. Then I went on vacation. Things were barely any better after I came back.

Aunt diagnosed with MS. Tensions in that household over her substance abuse escalated. Cousin moved out.

There's a reason why I don't stay on here very much and it's because it makes me feel terrible about my life.
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 7:13:04 PM EST (GMT-5)
Sorry you've had a rough start to your adult life.
And as a side note: drat people who make others feel badly about themselves because of their bodies.
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 7:21:17 PM EST (GMT-5)
It does bother me to see people on here 10 years my junior doing all the things I've never done with my life. You all are living on your own, you can drive...maybe not all of you are married but you at least have sex lives. You work jobs where customers mistreating you isn't just "part of the territory". Some of you have gotten works published, something I thought I'd at least have achieved by now. But nope, I'm just a 32 year old, 210-pound femcel who works at Wal-Mart, is living with her parents, and argues over the internet.

I'm not suicidal. As a matter of fact, I just wanna live. But if it's not happened yet, it probably won't ever happen. The last time I felt optimistic about life was in 2011. I just give up.
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 7:21:50 PM EST (GMT-5)
Why does it make you feel terrible about your life?
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 7:22:29 PM EST (GMT-5)
Nevermind
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 7:27:13 PM EST (GMT-5)
I don't think you are a loser and I also think a lot of what you are unhappy about is able to be changed. You just have to put the steps in motion to make it happen, whether it may be an easy road ahead or not.
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 7:49:04 PM EST (GMT-5)
Everything I see on here is that you are all successful. I'm not winning at anything. I don't know how to change it.

I don't ask much in life. I just want my independence and a sense of achievement. I'm so embarrassed to be who I am.
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 7:51:34 PM EST (GMT-5)
It's rough seeing the young, confident. happy people on the internet. I'm not seething with jealousy or mad at them, but kind of wistful, like why don't they have the dark clouds of depression and addictions and self loathing following them around, too? It feels like some people get to play life on easy mode and some on hard mode.
It's internal, though. I swear everything boils down to self esteem. I hope you, me, and anyone else who struggles with self loathing can find a way out of it. Can't grow a beautiful plant from a rotten seed.
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 8:09:29 PM EST (GMT-5)
I know exactly how you're feeling
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 8:20:03 PM EST (GMT-5)
I feel ya. It’s really tough to get out of the comparison game, but I think it really helps. Easier said than done.
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 8:35:47 PM EST (GMT-5)
have you tried tinder or bumble or something along those lines?

okcupid seems old fashioned
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 8:43:58 PM EST (GMT-5)
I’m not in the dating game but a few of my friend were saying coffee meets bagel is decent? I have no idea if that’s just a Canada thing or what
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 8:44:20 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 1/12/20 - 7:49:04 PM _Ghoul_ wrote:
Everything I see on here is that you are all successful. I'm not winning at anything. I don't know how to change it. I don't ask much in life. I just want my independence and a sense of achievement. I'm so embarrassed to be who I am.


People don't always talk about their struggles. You're just seeing the outside, not the inside.

I have everything I ever wanted and I still struggle mentally (and have been lately).
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 9:15:59 PM EST (GMT-5)
people definitely sanitize their lives on the internet
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 9:26:37 PM EST (GMT-5)
Is there any way you could get back into school?
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 9:35:32 PM EST (GMT-5)
Don't make me post abraham lincoln
12 days ago - Sunday 1/12/20 - 10:47:49 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 1/12/20 - 7:11:38 PM _Ghoul_ wrote:
2019 - There's a reason why I don't stay on here very much and it's because it makes me feel terrible about my life.


oh I feel this
lots of people are painfully middle class
11 days ago - Monday 1/13/20 - 5:42:54 AM EST (GMT-5)
The thing is what you see of people here is what they show you. Some put on an upbeat front and some use it as a place to be themselves.

Don't be envious of the duck face holding the camera above her head. She's just desperately pretending she doesn't have a double chin. Every one has insecurities, no one has the perfect life you imagine.

My sister-in-law constantly post pictures of her exotic lifestyle sitting abound a table in some resort (her daughter works for an airline) with a bunch of her friends all toasting the camera. Sounds ideal? She's been doing that for 3 years since my brother died while desperately trying to sell their big family home and watching the price fall because of all this Brexit drama. So many people use the Internet to put up a giant front. That's the point in that avatar I have used forever. You have no idea who you are dealing with. ergo. Godzilla.
11 days ago - Monday 1/13/20 - 12:30:31 PM EST (GMT-5)
That is all true. I am not envious of anyone that is online. But I do get envious of a few people in real life. Like my cousin, who seems to have all the luck in the world. And this other gal who was born with a silver spoon up her butt and she has everything I ever wanted, easily. And then there is one other lady, too.
11 days ago - Monday 1/13/20 - 1:48:36 PM EST (GMT-5)
hey Ghoul, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It's true that some people seem to have an easier time getting established in life than others. What I am seeing with you is that you're very resilient.

I see you make mention of your weight and I can see that this a source of unhappiness. Do you have the ability to cook meals for yourself from scratch?
11 days ago - Monday 1/13/20 - 3:04:53 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 1/12/20 - 8:35:47 PM Disappears wrote:
have you tried tinder or bumble or something along those lines? okcupid seems old fashioned

Problem is, dating app are only as good as the people registered, no matter of interface.
11 days ago - Monday 1/13/20 - 3:07:10 PM EST (GMT-5)
I mean that’s true, but I don’t know anyone my age who is using anything other than apps

I say go to where the people are
11 days ago - Monday 1/13/20 - 3:10:58 PM EST (GMT-5)
“I’m not suicidal. As a matter of fact, I just want to live.”

This resonates deeply.


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